This post is part of a series of posts in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today’s post comes from Allison Griffin.
On December 18,2007, I found out I was pregnant with baby #3. I was beyond thrilled! I always feel that immediate bond with the baby. With my second baby I had to be put on progesterone pills because my levels were low. This was to help til my body could take over making enough on it’s own and to keep me from having a miscarriage. So when I found out I was pregnant, I had to call my doctor right away. Thankfully they were able to get me in before Christmas so they could do my blood work. I was going out-of-town the day after Christmas. While I was gone, my doctor’s office called me and informed me that my levels were low again and needed to get a prescription filled for the progesterone. In my mind I’m freaking out and worried something could happen. So I got started on the pill, I was 5 weeks when I started and had to be on it til week 12.
Two weeks after being on the medicine (week 7) I noticed some bleeding. Spotting was normal, but this was bright red. I was at my parents house helping my mom, who had fallen and broken her arm over Christmas. So, I’m away from my husband and my doctor. I called my dad at work and he came to take me to the closest Urgent Care place. Words can not explain the fear going through my body. While there they did an exam and blood work. Then they sent me to another office, which was in the next town, to get an ultrasound. I finally had the ultrasound and was able to see my baby on the screen. I saw the little heartbeat flickering and I was relieved that they said everything looked fine. They didn’t know the cause of the bleeding. The bleeding only happened that one time. So, I went back home to my house and took my mom with me so I could take care of her and be home and closer to my doctor in case anything else went wrong.
Things settled down for a week or two and I was getting back into things and feeling normal with my pregnancy and eating lots and craving things. A few days before my 10th week into the pregnancy, I started spotting again. It wasn’t too bad but it was all day. I didn’t feel comfortable about things so I put myself on bedrest til Monday, when I could see my doctor. Monday marked my 10th week, January 28, 2008. I went into the doctor’s office so they could see what was going on. Before I went in, I prayed and asked God to calm my nerves and please help this baby be okay. They did the ultrasound and I knew right away it wasn’t good. The doctor was looking at the screen and looked at me and said “Allison, I’m sorry, but I don’t see the heartbeat.” I think my heart stopped too at that moment. I didn’t understand, How did this happen? Just 3 weeks ago the heartbeat was there and the baby looked fine. I laid there alone trying to get in touch with my husband. I cried so much and wondered what I did wrong. My husband came to get me and we cried together. My doctor scheduled me for a D&C that night. They believe the baby died 3 weeks before and since nothing had come out yet, they wanted to do the D&C. The next morning was awful, I felt so alone and so empty. I was hoping I would wake up and the whole day before was just a horrible dream.
I went through my time of just being angry. I wondered why it happened to me and what I did to deserve it. But it finally sunk in to me that this was what God’s plan was for me and for my baby. I know that my God will not give me anything I can not handle. I had to accept that my baby was gone. It wasn’t easy and some days are still hard. But I know that one day I will meet my baby and get to know him. I can not wait for that day.
I didn’t think that I could go through another pregnancy and the possibility of another miscarriage. But, 4 months later I found out I was pregnant with baby #4, a little girl. I can’t imagine my life without her. She completes me and my family.